


A Nightmare A Day

by Wushu76



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-04 04:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/706617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wushu76/pseuds/Wushu76
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney reflects on what Duranda cost him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Nightmare A Day

**Author's Note:**

> Although there are spoilers up to and including Phantoms, this is mostly a Trinity Tag. Written in 2006.

Rodney woke with a gasp, his mind still flashing with memories. The weapon shooting everywhere, John desperately trying to keep them from being shot out of the sky, the sudden blinding realisation his conceit had gotten them both killed, that he had let John down, something he’d never wanted to do. Taking a deep breath he rose from the bed, there was little point in remaining; there was no way he would be sleeping any more this night. It was the same every time. The dream wasn’t even the worse thing. It was the waking up. Waking to an empty bed. In an empty room.

In an empty life.

It had been months since then. Months of self-doubt and being alone in a way he never had been before. He had always been a loner. Accelerated through school, then college, two PhDs, always the youngest in class and forever the outsider. It hadn’t changed much as he’d gotten older. Oh he’d had a few relationships in his time, an occasional person who could stand the package, other loners he’d found or had found him along the way. No great romances of course but nice enough, for him though, most of the time, interpersonal relationships were really more effort than they were worth. Not one of them had been enough to keep him from moving on to the next job, the next challenge, the next discovery or accepting the offer from the United States Air Force. 

And he couldn’t even say he regretted it. The things he’d learnt and discovered since signing the contract had almost blown his mind. Stargates, aliens, hyper drives, all sorts of technology. Samantha Carter. He still didn’t believe that she was smarter than him, honestly and without ego he truly didn’t, but she was the closest out of any of the people he’d ever met. He’d learnt a great deal from her. Oh, not scientific knowledge, but about trusting himself. That instinct was just as much a part of his work as logic was. That being motivated by more than just the intellectual pursuit wasn’t a hindrance, it was a powerful asset.

He washed and dressed methodically before he headed out of his room, body on automatic as his mind worked, remembering and hurting. It was learning that lesson that had convinced him to accept Elizabeth’s offer of joining the Antarctic research facility, to join the Atlantis expedition. The chance to work with the best and very brightest minds on something that would overwhelm every other experience in his life thus far. She was right too; Atlantis was completely beyond anything he’d ever done before. The science and technology pushed him to the edge and beyond, working on things that he hadn’t even imagined in his wildest dreams. It was what he had been searching for all his life. That and so much more.

Belonging somewhere for the first time in his life, true friends that had come to know and like him, not just using him for his abilities, for his brain. He’d never been the bravest of men, but here in Atlantis he’d learnt to work with his terror, to let it work for him, not overwhelm him, he’d learnt that true courage was being terrified and still doing what needed to be done. He’d become the one who could save the day, who people trusted to do the right thing, the needed thing. To see through the bluster and the complaining. To see that underneath the facade he had created so many years ago and to the truth. He cared, more powerfully than he’d ever realised before this place. Before he’d become a part of this family. These people who seemed to care for him, people who had seen him, Rodney McKay.

It hadn’t all been wonderful. He’d run the full gamut of emotions since coming to this city, this place he’d come to love so dearly. Fear so intense he thought his heart could stop with the power of his emotions. Bliss so powerful it had wiped even his mind of clear thought. Loss so painful he remembered why he’d never let people close before. People had died because of his orders and the knowledge of what it was to send people to their deaths was something he was going to have to live with for the rest of his life. Everything in between.

John Sheppard. 

His shoulders sagged and his stride slowed, remembering stolen moments of frantic touches, nights of pleasure more powerful than he’d ever known. Unending apprehension of losing the one person who had made it past his every defence, who had worked his way so deep into his being that at times, late at night, a warm body wrapped around him tightly, he wondered if it was possible to separate them anymore. Lips twisted in a bitter sad parody of a smile. Just another thing he’d been wrong about.

He thought he’d discovered a family that could accept him, mistakes and all. A lover that would stand by his side, knowing him from the inside out and loving him in spite of everything, all those painfully grating personality traits. He knew he was hard going, arrogant, tactless and self absorbed, but that wasn’t all there was to Rodney McKay. Hell there was more than even he’d realised until Atlantis. He’d never know love before this. What he’d come to feel for John almost overwhelmed him at times. Even more now than when they had been together. Their relationship had been secret, stolen nights and precious moments. They had told no one, although he’d always suspected Teyla had known.

It had been hard to keep their relationship completely secret. Although he had no inclination to boast about his private life, there had been a part of him that wanted his friends, his family to know how happy he was. To know of the wonderful thing that had come into his life. But John’s career was more important. Of course his reasons weren’t entirely selfless, if John was found out and sent home, dishonourably discharged from the Air Force he would have followed. Rodney didn’t want to lose Atlantis, he saw himself living out the rest of his days here, but for the very first time he’d found something more important than the next great discovery. 

He shivered, hands rubbing his arms briskly, trying to warm them in vain. The cold he felt was not physical, it was emotional. Since losing John he was always cold. Once again all he had was his work, something he buried himself in even more than before. For the first time in his life he knew what was missing though so even his work wasn’t as satisfying. Nothing was the same. For months Elizabeth had being going behind his back asking Zelenka to double-check all of the work he was doing in the city. She obviously didn’t realise how close he and Radek had become or how the Czech couldn’t keep anything hidden, even from someone as socially inept as he was.

Elizabeth had finally stopped checking up on him but it seemed he was still unable to regain John’s trust. In a way he didn’t blame John because although he had seemed to have regained some of the ground he’d lost, professionally that was, he couldn’t stop double checking himself either. He took longer and checked and re-checked. He even found himself listening to Radek more, although he’d never admit that to the Czech.

The door to his lab opened softly and he sat down at his laptop, fingers typing away, body still on automatic. He had considered leaving now they were in contact with Earth again. He considered it again every time it felt like the progress he’d made with his team, with John, was ripped out from under him. Moments that tore the scab off an only half healed wound, making it deeper in the process. Being accused of playing an ‘impossible heroics game’ had hurt more than being shot, it had taken every bit of control he possessed to keep from flinching, his body wanting to be away from the source of his pain. He’d seriously considered resigning from John’s team when they got home, going back to Earth, back to area 51 or where ever the Air Force decided to send him this time. The last in a line of utter low points in his life. Sometimes it felt like John was dangling bait in front of him, saying it was possible to regain his trust but never quite letting it happen. Waiting to see how he’d react, pushing and harassing him all the while. Testing him and his dependability.

Only two things had kept him here. Leaving Atlantis would mean losing all chance, cutting off all contact without hope of ever fixing things. The other was the simple, no matter how painful it was to see what he wanted every day and be unable to have it, to know what he was no longer permitted, at least John was still in his life. Atlantis was still in his life. It was his home now. If he left there was a possibility the Air Force would no longer let him know what was happening to his city. To John. Perhaps there was a third reason as well. Simple, basic stubbornness. The same old McKay stubbornness that had got him this far in his life.

It had taken him some time to understand that the fault wasn’t completely his own. His friends, his lover had made mistakes too, that they had not done as well by him as they should have. In a strange way that had been just as painful a realisation. That they had so easily fallen into such a destructive and painful set of behaviours. He’d thought at first that the fact John was still taking part in the, what was it he’d heard someone call it, the snark between them, was a sign that things could be mended. That he was being laughed with. It took him longer than it really should have to realise that wasn’t the case.

His fingers stilled and he stopped pretending to work, staring aimlessly across the lab, his true gaze turned inwards. The snark had gotten downright cruel at times. The joking had changed as well, his team was no longer laughing with him, but at him. A nasty unpleasant undercurrent that was starting to colour everything he heard and said. As time went on he couldn’t help but wonder if they, if John wasn’t as lost in the situation as he was. That the longer it went on the more none of them knew how to fix it. Or even if the attempt was possible. 

Wouldn’t that be the worst of all ironies? That they were as equally stuck in this dreadful limbo land of not being in, but not being out either, not quite. And it was exhausting, as draining on his soul as he had always imagined a wraith feeding would be on the body. He shuddered powerfully, his arms wrapping around his body as the image came to his mind again, John being fed on. Getting older before his very eyes. A red hot spike of rage had gone through him so powerfully it had been everything he could do to control himself until it passed. 

Three times he’d watched. Three times he’d raged. Three times he wanted to die. Three times he’d been completely helpless, watching as the very life was drained from the man he still loved with all his soul. He had stood there, watching, and something he’d said to John a long time ago, about wanting to watch him get older had run through his mind. He’d meant together but in that moment of memory he’d almost thrown up. If it had been up to him he suspected he might have thrown Laden through the stargate himself. The only thing that might have stopped him was the fact that John would never have forgiven him.

Rodney stood up suddenly, deliberately breaking his thoughts and left the lab. He busied himself for several minutes with getting himself breakfast and coffee before returning to the lab. Sitting there, thinking about all that had gone wrong was almost as depressing as laying in his bed praying for sleep that was dreamless and soothing. By the time he’d finished eating he had deliberately immersed himself in his work, reading over proposed projects and checking on the current ones and even spending some time on his own.

By the time the earliest of the risers had joined him in the lab he’d shaken off the night and was his normal self. At times he could almost feel sorry for the people around him, having to interact with what he put them through. But then he reminded himself that they were lucky to work with such brilliance, in fact it was more than most of them really deserved. He nodded to himself, honestly, now that they were all settled, well as settled as they ever got here, it was time for him to start sending the very worst of the imbecilic morons who surrounded him, back to where they belonged. How Elizabeth had ever chosen some of them he’d never know.

The day went quickly after that and if he stayed later than anyone else at the labs that night, it wasn’t as if he had a mission the next morning. When he finally made his way to his room he was so tired his feet shuffled along the floor and all he could hope was for a few hours sleep before the cycle started all over again. He was debating the merits of a shower against the ones of just throwing himself face down on his bed as he had so many times before. A shower would help with the cold, frozen feeling that he convinced himself night after night was from too many hours spent hunched over a lap top. He was so engaged in the conversation with himself he was several steps into his room before he realised that someone had beaten him there. In fact someone was laying in his bed, combat boots tucked up under the foot, uniform folded neatly on the desk.

He gaped, almost stumbling in his shocked surprise as he looked at the hair on his pillow. Only one head in the entire city looked like that. When the body rolled over and two well-loved eyes looked at him it was all Rodney could do to close his mouth, trying to look as little the fool as possible. As the silence grew longer, as his disbelief and confusion were pushed aside by angry hurt his mouth opened again, this time intent on asking as abrasively as possible just what the hell was he doing there, the body propped itself up.

“Don’t.” It was said softly and Rodney was almost ashamed at how quickly his mouth closed again. “Just come to bed Rodney.” A deep sigh came after that, as if the next words were going to cost the other man dear, “Neither one of us is in any state to deal with it now. Just come and sleep and we can talk in the morning. Elizabeth has given us both the day off.” Rodney rocked back and forth on his feet as a thousand thoughts passed through his mind so quickly he couldn’t even catch one of them and then suddenly his shoulders dropped as he gave his own sigh. 

Without saying a word Rodney gave a short, sharp nod and he started undressing, although his boxers did stay on. The covers were lifted as he approached the bed and he slid in, not trying to touch or to avoid the other body although honestly he knew not touching wasn’t an option. Two people in these small beds meant touching. He took a deep breath as he rolled onto his side, facing away as the lights in the room faded to dark. He closed his eyes but as soon as there was movement they popped open and he tensed as an arm draped over his hip. Although he knew it was the only way the two of them could sleep comfortably in his bed together, the touch, skin pressing to skin, almost burnt. 

He sighed again, a long deep exhalation of air, and it felt like something else was leaving him with the breath. Tentatively he relaxed back against a warm chest, wondering at himself, the apparent acceptance of what was happening. Wondered if he was just being a fool, but as whispered words, rough with intense emotion, made it to his ears he realised maybe, just this once, maybe, just maybe he wasn’t. “I do trust you. I never stopped. You frightened me Rodney. Frightened me in a way I didn’t even know existed, I’d never felt anything like it before.” There was a pause and all he could hear was their synchronized breathing. He considered saying one of the hundred things that were crowding his mind, keeping silent wasn’t his best skill, but honestly his curiosity, his need to hear what John was going to say, overwhelmed his need to speak. For the moment. 

So he kept quiet, listening hard, waiting for more words. The sound of a swallow came to his ears, and then more words. “And I took it out on the one person I shouldn’t have.” He nodded at that statement, it was true. He waited for more, waited for what seemed hours, but slowly he realised nothing more was coming. That the breaths that washed over the nape of his neck moved in the steady deep rhythm that only came with sleep.

Everything wasn’t suddenly ok. A few whispered words, no matter how hard they may have been to articulate, didn’t make everything magically right, no matter how much he might have wished they could. However, it was a start. John, his thoughts stopped for a moment and he let out a huff of a snort, it was the first time he’d even thought the man’s name since he’d walked into his room. John had come to him, John had made the first move, the move that only John could make. No, everything wasn’t spontaneously wonderful, but for the first time in months Rodney knew there was a chance. Thin lips quirked on one side, forming a crooked smile and Rodney whispered, “A chance.”

And a chance, he realised, was all he really needed. After all he’d saved the galaxy with less.


End file.
